If you know me at all, you probably know that I like profanity. Sorry to disappoint you, Grandma. It’s true- I harbor an odd affection for bad words. Michael likes to say that some people paint masterpieces with brushes and paint, but I color my world with profane language. He’s not wrong. And I’m not ashamed of it.
Even my 4-year-old chastises me for using “potty words.” Of course, in her world, off-limit items consist of the words “butt” and “stupid.” I’ve tried to explain that Mommy doesn’t have to abide by preschool rules, but she’s not buying it.
It’s true, though, that I often do say things that really are profane. Words that no ‘respectable’ Christian mother would say. But, here’s why I’m okay with my potty language and why I’m putting it out there for the world to know. It’s because I want you to know that I’m not perfect, and I’m not even trying to be.
That’s not to say that I’m not aware of the concept of sinfulness or my need to be forgiven and my desire to do and be better. But, let’s be honest, most people don’t monitor their language out of a desire for purity, they do it out of a desire to appear pure. And that’s my problem.
I despise the appearance of something that doesn’t match up with reality. I hate a shiny, pretty exterior that covers up the dark, dirty innards. Perhaps it’s because I spent so much of my childhood sifting through chaos and lies, trying to figure out what truth really was. Perhaps it’s because I really just want to be known and loved for who I am, not a false image of what I wish I were. Or maybe it’s because I’ve seen the destruction and self-hatred that comes from hiding the depravity that’s in all of us in order to put on a presentable front.
It’s not that I think profanity is wonderful. It’s just that I am okay with being profane in public because I already am profane in private. I want to be the exact same person in public life as I am behind the protective walls of my home. Oswald Chambers says that sincerity means that the appearance and the reality are exactly the same. That is why I speak the way I do. Not because it’s right, but because it’s just where I am.
I desire sincerity and truth, even if it’s ugly and dirty and messy. And for an emotional, passionate, opinionated person such as myself, sometimes the “F” word is just the best way I know how to express my feelings.