There are some times when I feel like I have something to share, something I’ve learned that I think might be helpful to others. Sadly, this isn’t one of those times.
If you’re looking for wisdom, you might just want to stop here.
I’m just stuck right, smack in the middle of it right now- in the middle of a messy life that I can’t control and don’t know how to fix. I’ve spent days (maybe weeks- I can’t remember now) living in a bit of a haze trying to figure out what’s wrong with me.
My kids are driving me insane. The weather is too damn hot, and I have to carry 40 pounds of gear and 20 pounds of kid to get to the pool. I can’t find enough activities to entertain my kids, and all I want to do is sit on the couch in quiet. My husband can’t get home from work early enough for my liking (is it too much to ask to come home at noon?). It keeps raining every single day, and I don’t know what to do with these crazies in the house all day long.
I have vacation envy, because if you believe what you see on Facebook, it appears that every other mother in the world is living the good life on some beach somewhere for the whole, entire summer. I bet her kids aren’t biting each other and screaming and making her nuts.
Is it just me, or is summer really hard?
Here’s the conclusion I’ve come to: after nearly one whole year of mothering not one but two little people, Mommy’s tired. When I say tired, I don’t mean that I need to take a nap. I don’t mean that I need to take a little break and get a pedicure. No amount of foot-scrubbing is going to fix this. A glass of wine doesn’t take it away. Even one good night’s sleep doesn’t help much, because I’m still right back in the same circus when I wake up.
When I say that I’m tired, what I mean is that I cannot find a place for rest. My home used to be my refuge, my place to relax away from the world, to escape the stress and struggles. But now, my work lives in my home. And they won’t go away. That means there is no place for real, true rest for me.
My kids are my greatest joy, my best and most important, fulfilling work, but I know that right now they aren’t getting the best of me because I am tired. Years of tired have piled up on me and are not going away. What am I supposed to do with that? How am I supposed to fix it?
I don’t know.
Like I said. No wisdom today, folks. Just problems.